Reverend Stryse-style Absolution and Baptism
Baptisms in the style of Reverend Stryse are a bit more solemn than the Baptismal rites of the Reverend Rory.
Nevertheless, the prospect for baptism should be sufficiently intoxicated so at to loosen their tounge before the rite is performed.
1. Begin by addressing those gathered:
Brothers and Sisters of the Church! We have gathered together to welcome brother/sister (name of baptis-ee) fully into the great and mighty Church of Radcliffe!
2. Addressing the prospect for baptism:
Brother/Sister (name), do you seek baptism into the Church of Radcliffe, to have and hold all the rights and privileges thereto afforded, and to be a member of the Holy Congregation of Radcliffe, now and forever?
(Pause and allow the prospect to respond in the affirmative. If they do not, flog them liberally for embarrassing you.)
3. Addressing those present:
Brothers and Sisters of the Church! You have heard (prospect’s name)’s request. Witness now his/her cleansing!
(pause for any cheers or heckling)
4. Addressing the prospect (the prospect should answer in the affirmative. If they do not, flog them until they do):
Brother/Sister (prospect’s name), do you know sin? Do you know what sin is? (pause) To sin is to miss the mark, nothing more and nothing less. Have you, brother/sister, ever missed the mark? (pause) Did you learn from your experience? (pause) Knowing this, brother/sister, are you with sin? (pause) What are your sins? (pause, take notes for future reference/blackmailing) Do you feel the sin within you? (pause) Will you be sinning again anytime soon? (pause)
Then you are worthy to receive the blessing of the Church and be cleansed of your sins. For the Church teaches us that we are but vessels for sin, and we must occasionally be emptied out so that we have room inside us to commit future sin.
Assume the position!
5. You should now flog the offered body part with glee, shouting "Demons of Sin be gone!" or "The Power of the Church compels you!" or some other nonsensical, yet religious-sounding chants. Nine good flogs should do.
6. When the flogging is complete, you must then address the baptisee:
In order that you may be truly healed of your affliction, and fit to sin again, you must feel the Power of the Church and take within your being the HOLY SPIRITS of Radcliffe! Open thy mouth and receive the Church’s blessing!
7. You should now poor the baptismal dreague down the throat of the bapstisee.
8. Addressing the crowd:
Brothers and Sisters, let us welcome our newest baptized member to the Hallowed Church of Radcliffe!
9. To the newly baptized member:
Welcome brother/sister. As a fully baptized member of the Church, I bestow upon you this title: [give title]
Now go forth, brother/sister free in the knowledge that the Holy Spirits of the Church protect you from the ill effects of Sin. So go forth and sin again! Sin freely, sin often, but learn from your sins and commit not the same sin twice, unless you have a good reason or if it amuses me. So say we all!
(or something like that)
Notes for Stage Baptisms at Venues
- Think about George Pickard while you do this.
- Keep them on the floor so you tower over them and can pour the drink down their throat.
- When pouring the Holy Spirits, pour them sloppy - miss the mouth a little, get it on their shirt or in their eyes.
Other Notes
-Don't let the baptis-ee talk a lot or argue with you. Flog them if they do.
-Come up with a title for the baptis-ee.
-Promptly forget the title. If they remember it and can tell you it a month later, they deserve it.
-Invoke the Spirits of the Church, Elvis and/or Jebus liberally.
-Vamp any of that - the above text is just a suggestion. The important parts are Intro, Confession, Flogging, and Drinking.
-Don't make someone puke off of the baptismal shot. Bad form. If absolutely necessary, a chaser is permissible.
-NEVER LET GALEN DO THE FLOGGING. PERIOD.
Formulary for the Baptismal Dreague
The Holy Spirits of Radcliffe should be composed of only straight-alcohol. NO BEER. The point is to make it vile and disgusting, the better to purify the baptized against sin, however it should not be so vile and disgusting that the baptized should expel the Holy Spirits from their bodies. It is customary to mix a little of everything on hand into a ‘carrier’ spirit that can masque some of the taste. Never more than a single shot should be used in the rite of baptism.